Chexed into the boards

I can only think of a few traditions my wife and I have had our entire married lives, and today I began one that we've held for all 10 years.  Chex mix.  While measuring, mixing, and tossing, I've discovered a small list of Chex Mix innuendos that need to be shared:

1. I don't understand why General Mills doesn't make the original Chex Mix and simply add chocolate.  Yes, they have Turtle, Peanut Butter, and Honey Nut versions, but these aren't truly "sweet and salty," they are just sweet.
2. Bags of multi-colored M&Ms (whether peanut or regular) have a discriminately small number of red candies.  We buy whatever bag is on sale and sort all the M&Ms by color before placing them in each Chex Mix bag.  As I pull out the red and green ones, there is always a disproportionate ratio of green to red.  I wonder if the cost of red dye went through the roof, and some plant manager held red production back as a cost-cutting measure...well, I'm on to you, Hershey's!  And quit putting so many orange ones in the bag.
3. Adding brown M&Ms to the Chex Mix makes it look like a deer or rabbit made their way through the batch and left little surprises.  Therefore, we no longer add brown candies.
4. Convincing children only to eat brown M&Ms is impossible, as they know that each color tastes remarkably different.
5. I pity those who can't eat nuts.  Our first batch is always done nut-free and I can't help but think that this is a perverted imitation of the real thing.  Nuts make everything better, and I often thank God that my head doesn't puff up to the size of a watermelon when the fragrance of a nut touches my nose.
6. The "Original Chex Mix" recipe calls for equal amounts of corn, rice, and wheat Chex cereal.  Instead of adding 3 cups of each, I use 5 cups of corn, 3 cups of rice, and 1 cup of wheat.  If you're looking for bran, go buy wheat Chex...they are not meant for a delicious snack.
7. The original recipe also suggests bagel chips, which can be referred to as "flavored pieces of cement."  Rather than checking to see if your fillings still remain after each handful, we add Bugles and Pepperidge Farms fish crackers.
8. I prefer the tossing method of mixing, while my wife favors stirring.  Stirring breaks up too many cereal pieces, and thus the integrity of the entire Chex Mix.  I believe my wife is just scared to handle the 250°F roaster and fling its contents into the air every 15 minutes; I find it exhilarating.
9. We received our roaster at our Canadian wedding reception, as I listened to a couple recount an inside joke about how I would use that roaster to cook up some mean beans.  Unfortunately, I had no recollection of any bean-cooking escapades, hence I believe they mistook me for someone else.  Oh well, we sure enjoy that roaster every year at Christmas time...and I always think of them.
10. This year we purchased a second roaster, which greatly speeds up the process.  I never really imagined I would own two roasting pans used solely for Chex Mix, but I suppose it's better than owning two roasting pans because I love turkey that much...it's just a little less creepy.

Yes, count 'em; two roasters!

Okay, now go to your front porch and look for your special bag of Chex Mix from the Holts.  If it's not there,  move closer.  Happy ChristMcHolidays!

My Son, the Football Fan

In our family, Autumn means birthday time.  Our daughter was born at the end of August, our son in September, and baby number 3 is due in November (gender yet to be determined).  Last year, I decided that one of my gifts to my children would be to create a cake personalized for them.  My daughter requested a chocolate cake with cherries, so my first Black (and pink) Forest Cake was born.  I already revealed this year's cat cake in a previous blog post.  Less than a month later, it was time for the magic again.

I admit that this year's cake may have held some personal flair, but the idea was all him.  A few weeks ago, I had a proud dad moment when my almost 2-year old son chose to watch football ahead of Saturday morning cartoons.  His eyes grew wide as he witnessed dad watching CFL highlights on the computer, so I pulled him onto my knee and we shared a holy moment of mutual football appreciation.  We remained there for a half-hour watching game recaps back-to-back-to-back.

Watching my boy's exuberance reminded me of Wayne Gretzky.  As a two-year old, young Wayne would watch Hockey Night in Canada throughout an entire evening, and when the final game ended, he cried.  This was the source of his hockey genius; he just loved the game so much.  Now I have a similar story of my own to share at my son's Heisman acceptance dinner.

I digress.  Fueled by my boy's new found love of football (he now thinks the only purpose of the computer is to watch football), I present this year's cake.  I made a almond tarte, covered it with a chocolate ganache, and finished it off with Good n' Plenty laces.  In commemoration of the University of Utah's entry into the Pac 10, my son thought it appropriate to garnish the cake in such fashion.  Who am I to argue with him?

The birthday was a success.  We rode the Heber Creeper (very slowly), opened many presents (thanks to Grandma Barb), and enjoyed a delicious almond-chocolate confection.  We later discovered that the birthday boy actually doesn't like cake, as he painstakingly ate around it only to consume all the ice cream.  Oh well, the rest of the family enjoyed, and the flag was the real winner of the night.

Sexy Pig

Finally, an African American shows up in Utah, and we throw him in a commercial.  Sadly, the Utah State Fair pulled this from airing, but it is a thing of beauty.  Thank you, Jared Hess.

A shout out to all my fellow hamhock admirers!  I hope this song replays in your mind the entire day...or at least until you can find some good BBQ.

"My hand grew last night!"

Little Miss firstborn had a monumental day on Saturday; birthday number five!

She ran into my room shortly after 6am to reveal what had happened during the preceding night.  "Dad, dad, my hand grew last night."  She no longer held up 4 fingers, she could now display all five of them in great glory.  

Since daylight had sprung, it was also time to jump into the car to pick up her friends for the party (which began at 2pm).  I couldn't justify a trip around the neighborhood at 6:30am to round up all the invited 4 & 5-year olds, so her consolation was to eat Cookie Crisp* cereal (right out of the bag) and watch an episode of Clifford, the Big Red Dog.  She wasn't aware that our fine PBS affiliate aired such programming just for her birthday, but I thank the good people at KUED for their cooperation.

She requested waffles to accompany the Cookie Crisp*, so I obliged.  Then it was onto the feline cupcake pièce de résistance.  I baked 23 cherry chip cupcakes the night before with the intent of forming a giant cat face for my audience of 14 children.  Unfortunately, every design ended up looking like a pig or bat.  Until Saturday morning, while in my time of need, inspiration hit and the cat's body was born.  Following the configuring of the cupcakes, an hour of frosting (this was my second time, ever), and endless tormenting from the birthday girl to lick the icing bowl, my kitty was complete.

Notice the flames on the ends of the candles?  No?  That's because no fire could withstand the birthday windstorm...ahhh, memories of Southern Alberta.

The party was a success, despite gale-strength winds in our backyard.  Children brought their favorite stuffed animals for a vet clinic, to bling them out with a new owner-designed collar, and take them for a ride on the inflated tire tube (a little ghetto, but it worked).  Aunt Jen even came through with some intense face painting and extra party games when we ran out with thirty minutes until parent pick-up time.  

Great party, but it's even greater that we don't do a "friend party" every year.  Although, my expertise in cake ingenuity goes through the roof with each finger added to the hand.

* Today's blog post is not brought to you by the makers of Cookie Crisp because it is truly one of life's biggest disappointments.  Add cookies to the ingredients of almost any other substance and it's culinary nirvana...add it to cereal and it tastes like waxy crap that sticks to the roof of your mouth for days.

And so it begins...

Ah, the inaugural Taste of Ted.  Originally I wanted to create a blog focused on my gastronomic plundering throughout the great state of Utah...particularly during the lunch hour.  Now, I will talk about food, possibly at great lengths, but my musings may dive into other realms as well.  Sadly, the biggest thing that kept me from blogging was coming up with a suitable name.  This week I thought of the name "The Musings of the Ubiquitous Ted Alma Holt," but my hopes were dashed when the domain 'mutah' was taken.  Immediately, "Taste of Ted" popped into my mind, and it was finished.


With that said, I must report where to find the best bear claw in the Beehive state.  Don't be put off by the store or location; this baker can fry and glaze to bring even the most pious health zealots to their knees, begging for more.  The location is in Duchesne, UT (yes, I had to Google the city to spell that blasted name) in the local grocery store called Al's Foodtown.


Everything I've tried is good, especially the fritters and glazed croissants, but the ultimate is their bear claw.  Flaky pastry, creamy filling, dripping with sweet sugary succulence.  My wife would go through a dozen of these if she could handle the subsequent sugar migraine.

Today's claw from Al's Foodtown (apparently my kitchen counter also acts as a 1980s photo backdrop)

I do recommend these doughnuts with some words of warning.  First, blood sugar levels will rise well above healthy dietary standards; employ self-restraint.  Second, don't expect any confections in the case if you arrive after lunch time.  Third, if you aren't a native to Duchesne, you will receive stares.  But if you're willing to purchase a trailer and tattoos, then parent a child who you will bring to the store wearing only a diaper, you'll fit right in.