Chexed into the boards

I can only think of a few traditions my wife and I have had our entire married lives, and today I began one that we've held for all 10 years.  Chex mix.  While measuring, mixing, and tossing, I've discovered a small list of Chex Mix innuendos that need to be shared:

1. I don't understand why General Mills doesn't make the original Chex Mix and simply add chocolate.  Yes, they have Turtle, Peanut Butter, and Honey Nut versions, but these aren't truly "sweet and salty," they are just sweet.
2. Bags of multi-colored M&Ms (whether peanut or regular) have a discriminately small number of red candies.  We buy whatever bag is on sale and sort all the M&Ms by color before placing them in each Chex Mix bag.  As I pull out the red and green ones, there is always a disproportionate ratio of green to red.  I wonder if the cost of red dye went through the roof, and some plant manager held red production back as a cost-cutting measure...well, I'm on to you, Hershey's!  And quit putting so many orange ones in the bag.
3. Adding brown M&Ms to the Chex Mix makes it look like a deer or rabbit made their way through the batch and left little surprises.  Therefore, we no longer add brown candies.
4. Convincing children only to eat brown M&Ms is impossible, as they know that each color tastes remarkably different.
5. I pity those who can't eat nuts.  Our first batch is always done nut-free and I can't help but think that this is a perverted imitation of the real thing.  Nuts make everything better, and I often thank God that my head doesn't puff up to the size of a watermelon when the fragrance of a nut touches my nose.
6. The "Original Chex Mix" recipe calls for equal amounts of corn, rice, and wheat Chex cereal.  Instead of adding 3 cups of each, I use 5 cups of corn, 3 cups of rice, and 1 cup of wheat.  If you're looking for bran, go buy wheat Chex...they are not meant for a delicious snack.
7. The original recipe also suggests bagel chips, which can be referred to as "flavored pieces of cement."  Rather than checking to see if your fillings still remain after each handful, we add Bugles and Pepperidge Farms fish crackers.
8. I prefer the tossing method of mixing, while my wife favors stirring.  Stirring breaks up too many cereal pieces, and thus the integrity of the entire Chex Mix.  I believe my wife is just scared to handle the 250°F roaster and fling its contents into the air every 15 minutes; I find it exhilarating.
9. We received our roaster at our Canadian wedding reception, as I listened to a couple recount an inside joke about how I would use that roaster to cook up some mean beans.  Unfortunately, I had no recollection of any bean-cooking escapades, hence I believe they mistook me for someone else.  Oh well, we sure enjoy that roaster every year at Christmas time...and I always think of them.
10. This year we purchased a second roaster, which greatly speeds up the process.  I never really imagined I would own two roasting pans used solely for Chex Mix, but I suppose it's better than owning two roasting pans because I love turkey that much...it's just a little less creepy.

Yes, count 'em; two roasters!

Okay, now go to your front porch and look for your special bag of Chex Mix from the Holts.  If it's not there,  move closer.  Happy ChristMcHolidays!